Going off the rails on the C-R-A-Z-Y train!

I've noticed a little something lately.  I've noticed that I'm a little crazy.  Emotions overboard lately.  I've always been a little emotional, but frankly its becoming a bit too much.

Let me run a couple of examples by you.

I'm currently in the process of assisting with the training of a service dog.  Its for a great cause.  I've been involved with the organization for a while.  The dog is adorable (see pics below)

 

However, Friday night, I went to my dad's house for our first fall firepit.  Chill time to hang out.  The puppy backed into the table and knocked my drink off.  Mind you this was a diet coke.  Not even a "good drink."  What happens, I break into tears.  TEARS I tell you! Really?

Then, Saturday, we were at training class.  This week's outing was going to a Halloween store.  My puppy has a hard time with parking lots.  It took us a long time to cross the parking lot and even get to the store.  There were 7 other dogs there of various ages and when walking around the sidewalk they were all doing well.  My puppy  not so much.  She gets a little freaked out around cars, and this shopping center was CRAZY busy.  So what happened when one of the advanced trainers came to ask how we were doing.... you guessed it, complete and total meltdown!  Tears again.  For real, standing on the sidewalk in public just crying.

So I ask you, as it is no where near *that time of the month* why the heck am I so crazy lately??

For real, I'm up to suggestions.  I don't feel depressed, I'm not avoiding my life.  I just don't know what is UP with me!

9 months later

9 months,  its been 9 months since I blogged.  I could have had a kid by now.  I didn't :-)  Instead, I've been avoiding my band for a long time.  I hadn't been back to the doctor since last September.  That is a long damn time!  I still went to the support group meeting once a month that my hospital provides.  I sat, I listened, I got grumpy, and then I got real.  I had a minor breakdown a few months ago, and finally let the people at the meeting talk me into making the big return appointment.  When your doc is known for being a bit "mean" (okay, real, but its not fluffy, real talks) and you've been away for 7 months, and you've gained back most of the weight you've lost (I was back up to 306) it can be a very daunting experience to go back.

But damn, 306,  while it wasn't up to my heaviest, I crossed back over the 300 mark and that was not okay.  So I made the appt.  I bit the bullet, and took my beating (verbally).  We talked about how I had a major life changing incident (the car wreck) and then just totally jumped off track.  I got a fill.  A good one (though I didn't get to see the exact amount).  In fact,  I think I finally understand how this thing is supposed to work.

That re-commitment was on Wednesday, August 14th.  I went back this past week for my 8 week checkup and I was down.  I was down 16lbs!  That is 2lbs a week!  I will take it!

We decided since I'm losing well, that we didn't need another fill, and I've scheduled another 12 weeks out.  I want to lose another 15 lbs before I go back.  Thats a big goal for me.  I have about 2 lbs until my lowest I've ever been (since the start of this journey), and 15 lbs would put me in the 270's... somewhere I haven't seen for probably 10 years.

But its doable.  It will be done.

Random musings and personality questions

I really am trying to get better at the blogging.  I am getting better at tracking.  I've tracked everyday this week on MFP and now have 4 friends on there!  2 of which are bloggy friends - YEAH!  User name is sjsanto if anybody else wants to join the party.  So far so good with regards to the tracking.  Its a lot different than WW points - The numbers are so much BIGGER!

So I go back to WW for my weigh in tomorrow night.  First official weigh in since pre-holidays... I really am hoping to be able to talk my sister into forgoing the WW and sticking with MFP.  I can weigh myself naked in the am rather than clothed in the evening - and save myself $80 a month!  I sent her a friend request, she created an account, but hasn't tracked anything.  Shes younger than me, and has been heavier less, so I'm thinking she's just not there yet.  I want to support her, but really need to focus on me.  

Which brings me to my next point.  I"m always so worried about what other people are thinking, saying, feeling, etc.  It kind of sucks.  I mean - really its helpful, especially since I work in healthcare, but really it is kind of draining.  Not only am I always thinking - but I'm constantly comparing.  Since I've gotten back on track I keep reading your blogs and noticing just how much i'm "behind" the people that got banded around the same time as me.  I know, I know.  Everyone looses differently.  And heck, I'm the first to say I'm not exactly an exercise machine.  But its hard.  I'm a competitive person.  And if I can't win, succeed, get first place, than why do it at all :-(

A few years ago, my sister, who works in corporate finance, gave us all a book for christmas that was called Strengthfinder 2.0 by Tom Rath.  It has a quiz and gives you a list of your top 5 strengths.  Without boring you with the excel charts and comparisons (yes my family is full of geeks) My top five are:

top 5 for sara

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. 

Significance

You want to be very significant in the eyes of other people. In the truest sense of the word you want to be recognized. You want to be heard. You want to stand out. 

Ideation

Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. 

Competition

Competition is rooted in comparison. When you look at the world, you are instinctively aware of other people's performance. Their performance is the ultimate yardstick. No matter how hard you tried, no matter how worthy your intentions, if you reached your goal but did not outperform your peers, the achievement feels hollow. Over time you will come to avoid contests where winning seems unlikely.

Futuristic

"Wouldn't it be great if . . ." You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you.

The two that I want to bring attention to are Significance and Competition - basically it says that not only to I compete at everything - but I want to you to tell me I'm doing a good job while I'm doing it. Its hard because I don't feel like I can tell myself I'm doing a good job. Because if I'm being honest with myself, I'm not. I eat crappy foods (less of them, yes, on most days) but still very crappy. I don't exercise ( yes my ankle is still busted, but I could probably do some weight lifting / or gentle yoga. I even break the cardinal rule and drink while I'm eating occasionally. Its no good. And change is hard folks.


Without sounding like a broken record, I know that I can only change the choices from now on. Which is why I've started back to tracking, and #1 on my list tomorrow is to call a PT to help rehab my ankle back to its normal (albeit shaky) strength and move forward.


So Congrats to you for making it to the end of my most long winded (and definitely somewhat depressing) post. In good spirit, it is now time for a stretch break. ** In all fairness, I did not create this, but snagged it from Pinterest**

Blast from the Past

Hey folks -

I know, I know... its been a while.  A few months in fact.  The fact is, life got busy and I got lazy with regards to my band.  It surprises me that it happened that quickly.  But, from reading all of your posts  (i'm still keeping up!) and the thousands of other internet blogs, posts etc, I know that this is not the end, and I only have to make the commitment to start again.

So to be horribly cliche, its a new year, and I'm beginning again.  I joined my fitness pal (sjsanto) and am looking for friends, if you use it as well.  I'm still going to WW but do to some financial changes I'm trying to move my sister and I to a "free" version (I've been supporting her for the 2 years - $80 a month in fees is killing me!)

Quick updates of the last couple of months - I started back to grad school - Went on Vacation - and totaled my car.  I hobbled away with a badly sprained ankle and some bruises, but the car was totaled, hence the "financial changes"

We'll start with some pics of my vacation - This was the solo cruise I took to the Caribbean   It was absolutely fantastic!  I went completely on my own, but met some fabulous people, had a great time and had some new experiences.

With regards to the wreck - Lets just say ouch.  Almost 6 weeks later, my ankle is still wonky, and hurts to walk on for any period of time.  Which has made gym work nearly impossible.  I'm going to start back with gentle yoga this week, and seek out a physical therapist next week to help figure out what I can do to get healed.

Just in case you were wondering - Heres a few pics of the wreck -


Yes, the last one is my beloved Ipad - No, I was not actually using it when I wrecked, but I was putting it away.  Do not drive while distracted.  Its no good!

I just want to say thanks to you all for sticking with me through my hiatus - I've been following your posts!  I was kind of scared that I'd come back and have no followers to speak of, so I'm very glad that is not the case!